Yesterday was pretty tedious for a few hours, giving my tumblr a much-needed facelift. I felt the urge to make the change, pretty out of nowhere, and I’m thinking it may have something to do with my life as of lately.

Right now I am closing a chapter of my life and slowly starting writing the next one in my book of life. Tomorrow marks my final class I will attend…..ever. I’ve always been one to make countdowns and to be ultra cheesy when it comes to the “end” of things, but this really is a huge ending for me. I know if you’ve followed my tumblr for the last couple of years, you’ve seen me graduate from college and anxiously start the next “chapter.” I’ve spent my entire life, minus my first 3 years, in school…granted the first 13 years were a breeze now that I look back on it. Graduate school is coming to a close, and while I am so incredibly relieved to take the weight of exams, research papers, orals, etc, off of my shoulders, I don’t want this all to come to an end. You’re probably thinking…”this girl is a nutcase,” and I would agree with you, but let me try and explain it.I have spent my entire life working towards the future. Whether it was high school, or taking ap/college classes, filling any free time I had with extracurricular activities to fill up more space on my resume/college app, getting into grad school….the list goes on. It’s always been stress and hard work and MORE hard work when I thought I couldn’t work any harder, just to ensure that my future was a little bit brighter. Welp, now I am to the end of that journey and I am losing my life-long companion, also known as school. It has become such a comfort for me no matter how painful it was along the way just because, well…..he’s been with me for my last 21 years. Don’t get me wrong…I am so ready to actually enjoy this future I’ve been working so hard for, but in this moment it’s just too close for comfort.

I apologize for the honesty, this is really a healthy way for me to process and sort out what’s going on in my head.

The spring semester was technically my last semester of classes because this summer I’ve been working on my practicum. Practicum may be a foreign word to some of you, but all it really means is that it’s been a test run for me as a therapist before I’m out in the “real world.” It’s unpaid, but we work as a therapist under supervision. We have had class once every two weeks just to get together and discuss our clients and give case presentations. I’m not getting “graded” on this, it’s just pass/fail according to your completion. I’ve been done with my hours, and got way more than 300 about a couple of weeks ago. I have been blessed to be thrown into this field right off the bat into the “trenches” as some may say. I say this because I’m working in an environment where most don’t want to touch with a ten foot pole…a residential treatment center for juvenile sex offenders. As heartbreaking/draining/frustrating as it has been, I have loved every minute of it. The next step for me is to take the NCE exam in order to get my LPC. I have to pass that exam before I can start my 3,000 hour internship that will take about 18 months. I got offered a job to do my internship at the place where I completed my practicum, with the kiddos, and I’m so excited and ready for all the challenges they have and continue to bring my way. I’ll be getting paid, going to work every day, being a therapist to boys who are broken and so desperately need it…..doesn’t get anymore “real” than that. 

I guess I’ve accomplished a lot in my 24 years, a bachelor’s and master’s degree to show for my education, and I love where I’m at in life. It hasn’t been without difficulty and challenge, but that’s what has made it such a beautiful and rewarding ride. I’ve got the most loving boyfriend, granted he lives 2,000 miles away and Lord knows that “aint” easy, and a clothing company that has connected me with people all over the world for the last (almost) 3 years. I sit here and can say I’m scared…I think we all have fears deep down whether we are honest with ourselves about it or not…, but this new chapter signifies so much for me. I’m done with school, so I want to let go of that super anxious/overly planned/cautious/perfectionist person because honestly…all that just holds us/me back. It keeps us from living. This new chapter is about living….and being okay with whatever comes my way…..heaven forbid something isn’t planned or perfect…that’s okay. Looking fear in the face and having the courage to smile at it and gain strength through the process. Letting myself not be overwhelmed and over-worked all the time, getting out from underneath all that pressure i’ve put on myself for so long, and stop being my own biggest critic…….it’s all so exhausting. I may take some huge risks like buying a house or really branching out to do something that may not be practical or make the most sense….but who cares? I’m going to re-cultivate my creativity, which brings so much joy into my life, and something I’ve convinced myself I “don’t have enough time for.” It’s about letting go of all of these crutches that we’ve hid behind (school for me), digging deep into ourselves, and just being vulnerable. No guards, walls, defenses, comforts, excuses. It’s all about courage, creativity, honesty, (self)compassion, self-care, connection, letting go of having to be in control all the time, and being okay with the imperfect human beings that we are.